| General -> Off-Topic Lounge. | TB1600 is pushing 40M views - West Australian | | [1],[2],[3],...,[41],[42],[43],[All] - Next page | | | Categories : |
|  | Topic : Should there be a joke thread? |  |
| | | Ted | | Chaac |  |  | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 05 Oct 2010 - 08:35 Post title : Should there be a joke thread? | | | Three elderly HD riders are reminiscing in the care home. The 85 year old complains that he hasn't had a good slash for 25 years, "...I'd give anything just to experience a damn good pee again." he says.
The 90 year old empathises and says, "You think you've got it bad, I haven't had a good crap for 20 years, I wish I could experience that mystical satisfaction one more time."
The 95 year old responds with, "6:30 a.m., every morning without fail, I completely void my bladder; 6:45 a.m., I have a complete evacuation of the bowel, just like clockwork. Been like that for the last 20 years."
The other two demand to know what he's complaining about.
"I don't wake up 'til 7"
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | paulc | | Set | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 08/05/2010 | | Posts | : | 441 | | Location | : | Brackley, ENGLAND, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 05 Oct 2010 - 11:23 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | with jokes that bad. no there shouldn't
| infidel troop scooter club
|
|
| | | zolti | | Thor | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 23/03/2010 | | Posts | : | 3,127 | | Location | : | newcastle , United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 05 Oct 2010 - 11:52 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: paulc) | | | hey ted your doing well for 95
ps never knew you rode a hd 
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 05 Oct 2010 - 21:09 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: paulc) | | | Better than those Swiss jokes
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Jamie | | Set | | | Reg. Date | : | 22/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 65 | | Location | : | Geneva, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 11:13 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | "Swiss jokes"?
Three elderly folks, Ueli, Urs and Ruedi, silently playing cards in the village cafe. They hear a fairly loud bike passing by.
30 minutes later, Ueli says:
-"I guess it was Seppi's Harley"
30 minutes later, Urs suggests:
- " By the sound of it, it might actually have been an out-of-town Harley rider"
30 minutes later, Ruedi stands up, throws his cards on the table and proceeds to leave.
-"What's wrong?" ask Ueli and Urs. Ruedi replies:
-" I can't stand arguments"
(Sorry) Jamie
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 11:45 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Jamie) | | | I see I could be ploughing a lonely furrow here.
What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG!
Clippetty-clop, clippetty-clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 11:59 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: zolti) | | |
zolti wrote:
hey ted your doing well for 95
ps never knew you rode a hd |
|
...and when I went into the brothel and told the madam I wanted a hot young girl for the night, she looked at me and asked how old I was.
"I'm 95" I replied.
The madam exclaimed "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh," i said, "How much do I owe you?"
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Domino | | Set | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 29/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 230 | | Location | : | Portsmouth, Hampshire, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 12:14 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | |
| | | DizzE | | Thor | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 12/07/2010 | | Posts | : | 3,141 | | Location | : | Sunnyvale, CA, United States |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 14:54 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Domino) | | |
A Doctor, a Lawyer and an Indian Chief walk into a bar and sit down in that order.
The Bartender looks up and says, "Hey guys....!?"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
|
|
| | | Birdy68 | | Thor | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 16/07/2009 | | Posts | : | 3,352 | | Location | : | Bad Zurzach, Aargau, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 17:01 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: DizzE) | | | 
These are soooo bad I just have to tell this:
-----
A guy and his pet Giraffe walk into a pub, sit down at the bar and order their drinks.
The barman, rather taken back that the Giraffe drank beer just shook his head and continued to serve.
This goes on for most of the night until the Giraffe - totally intoxicated - falls of his bar stool and ends up lying flat on the floor.
At this point, the guy pays the bill and starts staggering out the pub.
"Hey!", Shouts the bar man, "You can't leave that lying there!" he tells the guy pointing at the floor.
"It's not a lion!" replied the guy, "It's a Giraffe!"
-----
| Birdy68
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Leave the pork pies for now - get the sausage rolls while they're hot!
 -x-  -x- 
more info at Fuelly.com
|
|
| | | Jamie | | Set | | | Reg. Date | : | 22/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 65 | | Location | : | Geneva, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 18:25 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Birdy68) | | | A former Italian biker. He had to give up the sport further to a nasty crash. His right hand was so badly damaged that it had to be chopped off.
Months later, upon being asked (stupidly, IMO) once more how he felt about his hand amputation, he replied: "Just a slight speech impediment"
Jamie
| | Post edited by Jamie on 06 Oct 2010 - 18:25 |
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 18:50 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Jamie) | | | This could become a serious study in the relationship between humour and nationality.
What do (insert nationality - I daren't say which nationality was used in my version) use for contraception?
Their personalities
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | BlueNose | | Thor | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 29/09/2009 | | Posts | : | 2,478 | | Location | : | United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 19:07 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement
A perfect example of government mismanagement.
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.
I like his style   
|
|
| | | Jamie | | Set | | | Reg. Date | : | 22/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 65 | | Location | : | Geneva, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 21:00 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: BlueNose) | | | I luv this tale .
Strategical. Entrepreneurial. Enduring. Lucrative ... and yet totally harmless
Jamie
|
|
| | | BlueNose | | Thor | | | | Reg. Date | : | 29/09/2009 | | Posts | : | 2,478 | | Location | : | United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 21:10 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Jamie) | | |
Jamie wrote:
I luv this tale .
Strategical. Entrepreneurial. Enduring. Lucrative ... and yet totally harmless
Jamie
|
|
He might even have a Swiss bank account! Simple yet brilliantly executed - wish I had thought of it.
|
|
| | | MickeyBoy | | Chaac | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 18/09/2010 | | Posts | : | 553 | | Location | : | WiNe CoUnTrY TeMeCuLa, Socialist State of Kalifornia, United States |
|
| | Posted : 06 Oct 2010 - 21:40 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: BlueNose) | | | I'm tipping a beer in that man's direction and since I don't know where he is and there are 360 degrees on a compass, I might as well get started.
|
|
| | | Eddie | | Set | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 16/07/2010 | | Posts | : | 422 | | Location | : | Melbourne Victoria, Australia |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 06:58 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: MickeyBoy) | | | A duck walks into a bar, bartender asks, what would you like mate? Duck replies, I'll have some bread.Dont have any bread mate, only drinks, what would you like? I'll have some bread. I told you, we dont have any food just drink, what do you want?I'll have some bread.
The bartender starts to see red and tells the duck,"if you say you want some bread one more time, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar. Now, what would you like?
Got any nails?
No, the bartender responds.
Ok, I'll have some bread.
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 07:52 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Eddie) | | | The doctor says "I'm baffled by your yellow penis, does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The worried patient shakes his head.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work. I'm unemployed."
"Well. what do you do all day?"
"Oh, mostly sit around all day, watching porn movies and eating Quavers."
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Pappasgarage | | Set | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 05/10/2009 | | Posts | : | 371 | | Location | : | Espoo, snowbird in California, Finland |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 08:23 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | "Oh, mostly sit around all day, watching porn movies and eating Quavers."
I have to ask what are Quavers
| Speedmaster 2004 in Espoo Fi, Rocket3 Touring 2014 in Oceanside Ca. IBA Finland SS1000
and T-Bird 09 gone
|
|
| | | Thatch | | Thor | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 24/06/2009 | | Posts | : | 3,655 | | Location | : | Savannah, GA, United States |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 08:26 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Pappasgarage) | |
| | | Pappasgarage | | Set | | | | Reg. Date | : | 05/10/2009 | | Posts | : | 371 | | Location | : | Espoo, snowbird in California, Finland |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 08:27 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Thatch) | | | Now I got it, 
| Speedmaster 2004 in Espoo Fi, Rocket3 Touring 2014 in Oceanside Ca. IBA Finland SS1000
and T-Bird 09 gone
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 09:15 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Thatch) | | | Thanks Thatch, that tops it. I was curious about the brand understanding.
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Birdy68 | | Thor | | | | Reg. Date | : | 16/07/2009 | | Posts | : | 3,352 | | Location | : | Bad Zurzach, Aargau, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 08 Oct 2010 - 20:57 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Eddie) | | | Eddie wrote:
... Got any nails?
No, the bartender responds.
Ok, I'll have some bread. |
|
At first I thought it was going to be this one:
-----------------------------------------------------------
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"
"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"And your ears", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires, a bit bemused.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a plasterer"
| Birdy68
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Leave the pork pies for now - get the sausage rolls while they're hot!
-x- -x-
more info at Fuelly.com
|
|
| | | mat1600 | | Thunderbird | |  | | Reg. Date | : | 06/03/2010 | | Posts | : | 8,596 | | Location | : | Bridlington, Democratic Independant State of Yorkshire, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 07:50 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Birdy68) | | |
A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to New York.
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshireman are all rustic simpletons and that he can fool them easily... So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And with that, he closes his eyes and tries to take a nap again.
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshire man up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Yorkshire-men; they only talk different
| My first natural instinct is to breathe. My second is to evade tax's.
|
|
| | | Jamie | | Set | | | Reg. Date | : | 22/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 65 | | Location | : | Geneva, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 08:16 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: mat1600) | | | In 1872, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British occupants somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Jamie
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 10:19 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Jamie) | | | How do you know your wife has died?
Sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you make your wife cry whilst having sex?
Phone her up.
To even things up, I'll try to recall some contra-misogynist jokes, later.
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | mat1600 | | Thunderbird | | | | Reg. Date | : | 06/03/2010 | | Posts | : | 8,596 | | Location | : | Bridlington, Democratic Independant State of Yorkshire, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 11:21 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
| My first natural instinct is to breathe. My second is to evade tax's.
|
|
| | | Ted | | Chaac | | | | Reg. Date | : | 14/06/2010 | | Posts | : | 551 | | Location | : | March, Cambs, United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 17:59 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: mat1600) | | | What's pink & hangs out your pants?
Your mum
What's the difference between an Australian wedding & an Australian funeral?
One less drinker
What's the difference between a dog & a fox?
About 8 pints
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive
Popeye kicked the shit out of him
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
2 bullets
What do you give a man who's got everything?
Penicillin
| NASUWT retired, GP track marshal and Patriotic Rider
|
|
| | | Jamie | | Set | | | Reg. Date | : | 22/08/2010 | | Posts | : | 65 | | Location | : | Geneva, Switzerland |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 19:39 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | Ted wrote:
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
2 bullets
|
|
Jamie
|
|
| | | BlueNose | | Thor | | | | Reg. Date | : | 29/09/2009 | | Posts | : | 2,478 | | Location | : | United Kingdom |
|
| | Posted : 14 Oct 2010 - 20:59 Post title : Re: Should there be a joke thread? (Re: Ted) | | | My granny caught me wanking yesterday, she was so shocked she had a stroke.
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.
| | Post edited by BlueNose on 14 Oct 2010 - 20:59 |
|
|
| |
| |
|